Who We Are
Scholars of modern therapy are teaching us that who we are and how we behave is determined by our thoughts, beliefs, values, and attitudes. We used to think that unconscious forces determined how we behaved and how we coped with life, but modern thinkers now point out that it is our thinking patterns that determine our functioning. There are levels of thought, with our surface thoughts being easiest to retrieve. If asked the question, “What are you thinking?” we can usually pause for a moment and quickly get in touch with our thoughts. However, there are deeper levels of thought, and the deeper the level, the harder it is for us to decipher what these thought patterns may be. We may look at the progressive levels of thought, from surface to deep, as:
1) Thoughts
2) Beliefs
3) Values
4) Attitudes
Let’s explore in the coming weeks some of the most important beliefs and values by which we should function and which we should teach our children.
Self Discipline: All aspects of our lives require self discipline:marriage, parenting, work, friendships, communication, our behaviors, and our emotions. Let’s explore two critical areas, achievement and behaviors and emotions.
Achievement: Did you ever hear someone say, “I could have been a doctor” or some such thing? I hear it from my adult patients a great deal. “I could have gone to college.” “I could have been a great basketball star.” On and on it goes. I feel sad when I hear this. The covert message is that the person realizes he or she had a talent but lacked the self-discipline needed to “make their dream come true.”
Many of my students do not understand how much work college really requires. Often they try to get by doing as little as possible. I constantly advise my students, who are mostly psychology and criminal justice majors, how difficult it is to get into a graduate program in psychology. Sadly, they continue to calculate how to minimize their efforts barely to get by. Then as seniors they’re amazed when their grades are not good enough to get accepted into an advanced degree program.
With a little more effort and work, they “could have” achieved their goal. But sadly most of them never do. At graduation time they’ll have to choose a less competitive career.
I recall my sons’ karate school promotion ceremony, when both of them received their blue belts. Their instructor said to them, “Remember the good feelings you’re having at this moment and all the hard work you put into getting here. Apply that principle to all aspects of your lives.” I hope that message stuck.
I can spend my life envying successful authors. Right now the sun is out, and it is a magnificent day. But, if I wish to be an author, perhaps even a successful one, then I have to discipline myself, which means I must force myself to remain at my desk and work and not go outside and play in the sun. Believe me, this is an extremely hard thing for me to do. If I choose to be an author instead of envying other authors, then I have to make myself do whatever it takes. Self-discipline versus envy is a choice. Since you are reading this, you know what choice I have made. You also know that I am forcing myself to honor this commitment. I honestly can tell you that right now I am very tempted to go out the front door of my house and play. But I have made my choice, and I will carry it through.
If we truly desire to accomplish anything in life, it requires self-discipline. The alternate choice is envy, the “I could have been!”
We must make choices that will affect the course of their lives. Later can be too late.
At the turn of the century the eminent psychiatrist, Alfred Adler introduced the concepts of inferiority and superiority. One way to ensure feelings of inferiority is to be passive and do nothing. To develop superiority, there are two roads, or choices we can make in life. One, the unhealthy road, was to seek superiority over others just like Hitler did. The second, the healthy road, was to seek superiority or mastery over oneself, to work hard at cultivating and realizing ones personal talents. Self-mastery takes hard work, sustained effort, and lots of self-discipline, but this is the only way to realize one’s full potential. This road of self-mastery often means facing periods of marked discomfort, such as the anxiety associated with studying for an exam.
Behaviors and Emotions: The second application of self-discipline is in mastery over one’s behaviors and emotions.
I remember being taught in graduate school never say to patients anything about self-control and self-discipline because we were taught that patients really wanted to get better, and statements about self-discipline would only serve to frustrate them. We were taught they were sick, and they couldn’t help themselves. This was the old way in which therapy used to be practiced. Then Dr. Albert Ellis, our modern day version of Sigmund Freud, introduced cognitive therapy and began teaching a different ideology. He clearly stated that the only true path to emotional health is through hard work and self-discipline. Only by intentional and deliberate control of our thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors will we ever achieve emotional health. He taught that mastery over ones’ emotions require mastery over ones’ own thinking and behavior. That is the core of the message throughout his books and the message I’m conveying now. Only through self-discipline can we achieve our life goal and sustain emotional well-being.
Self-discipline in cognitive therapy means forcing oneself to exert conscious control over one’s thoughts and behaviors. Only by practice and effort will healthier patterns of thinking and behaving become new habits.
Laura Schlesinger talks at great length about people who have low self-esteem. She says this usually results from engaging in stupid behaviors, such as avoiding hard work or having affairs, and that those who make these choices deserve to continue to feel badly. She feels they can choose to have the discipline to control their behaviors. Harsh as she may sometimes be, she is right.
When you put all these ideas together, self-discipline means two things:
1. Work hard to achieve your goals.
2. Work hard to master your thoughts, desires, beliefs, behaviors, and emotions.
There is no other way. Ellis admits that this is a stoical point of view, but it sure beats a lifetime of envy.
